Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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