I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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