I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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