If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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