Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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