you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
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So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
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Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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