My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
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Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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