So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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