i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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