the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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