Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
God, I missed his penis.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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