She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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