Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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