Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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