I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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