Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize