tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
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I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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