you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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