I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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