i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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