I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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