It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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