i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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