I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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