I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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