thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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