I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
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if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
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I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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