Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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I just jacked off to nostalgia.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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