we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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