you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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