k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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