I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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