i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
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I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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