You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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