Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
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If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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