someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize