Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i now understand why vodka
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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