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my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think i have two assholes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Randomize
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