think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize