She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize