i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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