It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hippo gnu deer
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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