the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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