I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize