Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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