please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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