one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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