im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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