Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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