How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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